every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
ok like just. call me at this point
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave