I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I have never related to a cat more
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.