set yourself free xox
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We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”