Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
What the dentist sees
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-