not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
why isn’t he texting back
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show