A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
she has a point
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.