when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*