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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.