John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
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“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Hard not to take this personally
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”