Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.