I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.