duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.