It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
This is why I hate group projects
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
i choose….tongue
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth