[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.