gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Every haunted house movie:
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
How your email finds me
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.