*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.