Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”