He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.