Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I came this close!!!!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.