[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
This forever.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME