If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
the greatest twitter interaction
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Yup.