A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
At least try to make it slightly believable
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.