My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes