Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second