*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!