My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
BRAKING NEWS!!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”