Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else