Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you