“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.