Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Spider-cat: No One Home
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.