INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’d hang this in my house.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*