Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.