Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.