how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
the noise i just made
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt