The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.