I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
dictator is short for richard potato
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that