my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.