It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
You Might Also Like
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.