I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)