My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
girls literally only want one thing..
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot