The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Basically.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.