How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Try and stop me.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.