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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
for all #parents out there
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.