*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought