My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Bootstraps
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead