Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.