Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.