My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
it’s a van. how do they not know this
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.