Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.