I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
SF is the wild wild west man
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it